I am still in awe of how you came into the world my love. You have been such a gift since the moment you arrived. Although you are small you are mighty and you have grounded our family of four. It’s as if you were always here all along. I am still riding on the cloud that brought you here.
On Friday, October 4th I had planned to go out of the house for the morning with Charlotte. I had officially closed down the business aspect of my life and felt you were near. I decided it was best to hibernate at the house and spend some extra time loving on Charlotte just us two. But days passed and it was time to step out and get some air. We called Kenz and decided we would make a nonsense trip of unnecessary errands just so we could see each other and catch up.
I picked up Kenz at the Cornerstone market around 9 am. We grabbed our usual spoil of a latte and headed to where other than T.J.Maxx to peruse for the unnecessary necessities. We spent about an hour thoroughly enjoying ourselves. I was starting to notice the braxton-hicks contractions I was having throughout the store. They had consistently been getting stronger and more often throughout the week so I didn’t think much of them as I was thoroughly distracted. I left the store with a deliciously soft over-sized blanket and a teapot that I had been desperately looking for. We decided to ditch on heading to Wegman’s since we were both feeling spent and so we headed on home. I noticed in the car that the contractions were feeling more crampy. This was the first moment I wondered if they would turn into something more. Mind you, your sister’s labor has taught me to be patient and brace myself.
We dropped off Kenz back at Cornerstone around 12:30 pm and said farewell before we went back home. There is something about both pregnancies, like you ladies weren’t ready until we had a blessing from your Aunt Kenz. Kenzie and I had not seen each other all week and that is all we needed to feel restored. When I had your sister, my labor kicked into high gear the moment Kenzie visited after arriving home from a family vacation. So, once we were home, I took advantage of Charlotte’s nap and went to lay down myself. My mind was busy but my body was thankful to rest. The crampy contractions continued but were mild. I may have consciously known they were early labor contractions but I would deny this fact until there was some real progress.
Dad arrived home a little earlier than usual that day. I was happy to have him home but didn’t want to worry him in any way. I remember telling him in excitement “these contractions may not end until baby is here” but also warning him “we could also have a couple of days to go” for all I knew. This all was happening at about 4 pm.
The contractions were becoming more noticeable. We decided we would have a low key night, make some dinner and watch a movie. I sent Kenz a text at 5:45 pm that said “fingers crossed, things are getting weird around here. That means days of contractions or maybe I get lucky.” The evening looked a bit different than our intention. As contractions continued to intensify, I found myself antsy and looking for a distraction. I had a surge of energy and was cleaning the house from top to bottom. I would find myself cleaning the windows only pausing to work through a contraction then continue on.I felt very free to make any movement and sounds necessary that would help me to progress forward with this process. Charlotte stayed up late only because Daddy was making dinner and I was swept up between contractions and cleaning to even stop what I was doing.
Grandma and Grandpa gave us a call to let us know they would be stopping by because they needed their house key, they had locked themselves out of the cottage and we had their spare key. I had to contemplate what I really wanted to do with Charlotte that night since Grandma and Grandpa were scheduled to watch her when we were to head to the hospital. I decided it would be best to pack Charlotte’s overnight bag with some food and have her stay with Grandma and Grandpa for the night, just in case we headed to the hospital. I was surprised by how emotional it felt to send her away. I think in hindsight, I was highly intuitive at this time. There was an underlying knowing that this was my last moment to see Charlotte as my one and only baby in our lives which all made me overly emotional. She was about to become a big sister. Thank God we made that decision.
Grandma and Grandpa left with Charlotte around 9:30 pm. I was definitely in pain and discomfort and contractions were noticeably closer together. Dad expressed some concern and we started believing that we may be leaving for the hospital within a few hours. I allowed Dad to time my contractions for about 20 minutes and we were looking at about 4 or 5 minutes apart. I told him we could check back in an hour to see where I stood.
I went upstairs and reached out to Kenz to let her know things were getting a little weird. I thought with you being my second, I would have it all figured out how, it would all go, but I really didn’t. Were you near or far?
Kenzie sent me this at 9:12 pm...
“I never got to write you your mantra or well wishes so here it comes just in case : You are the embodiment of feminine strength. You are bringing into this world the little lovelies that will carry on our spirits. That’s why I hold no fear of disappearing... you’ll never let me. You think I’m the strong one, yea fucking right. I could never cope with losing you. Or put on a face that could deal with that. You my love, you are the strong one. You will go into this with that strength. You will channel that goddess. You will bring another queen into this world. I love you. I honor you. I worship you. Go, mama, go. 🧡🧡🧡”
I received it at 10:10 pm, cried, and then read it again. I shared the message with Dad. I felt a fire, a fuel, and a purpose of what this was all for. From that moment on, as everything intensified, I had a clear vision. I was already very focused and efficient as I worked through my contractions but Kenzie solidified what this all meant for me. Thank goodness for taking the time to do meditation work including an epic sound bath and shavasana practice just weeks before your delivery. A vision of myself kept reappearing. It was a version of myself serene and flowing down a river with the current. All was well, I was capable, you were my gift and I would need to bring you to me.
The hour had passed quickly and there, Dad and I were timing contractions again. I was a consistent 4 minutes between contractions and little did Dad know, I fibbed a bit because I definitely had been moving through contractions for well over an hour maybe even closer to two. I didn’t want to be pushed out the door to go to the hospital only to be sent home like I had been with Charlotte.
I called the midwives. Alexis Ghee was on call. Her demeanor was calm and reassuring, she thought I should come in. She didn’t express any urgency but she also seemed confident now was the time to make my way in. Dad and I closed up the house and I couldn’t get off the toilet to leave. TMI? Between every contraction that night there was an urgency to go to the bathroom. I knew better that a full bladder meant more intense contractions. Dad and I had a moment of bickering since I was putzing around and he was ready. To. Go!.
We officially loaded up the car and were ready to head out around 11:15/11:30 pm. I sent a text on the way to Kenz, “going to the hospital.” I sat in the car still wondering if it was possible that we would be sent home and if that were the case, I worried I would not be able to get through it all naturally this time. Little did I know that the drive to the hospital became the transition phase of labor. Yes, you heard me, transition. It was familiar, the shaking and crazed thinking but part of me was naive to it all happening. I think it is because part of the process in labor is such an out of body experience. I wanted Dad to stop on the side of the road so I could pee. Really, I was experiencing the first signs of pressure. I snapped at Dad through an intense contraction demanding he speak to me. The silence was eerie and I needed encouragement at this point more than ever. I was grasping onto the handlebar from overhead, digging myself deeper into the seat, holding an ice pack to my lower belly and using my voice to make it all manageable.
We must have rolled into Highland Hospital on Saturday, October 5th at about 12:15 am.Things were intense. We didn’t know where to park but given the situation, Dad parked at the main entrance to the hospital. I was a bit scared having to let him leave me to go find a wheelchair. I watched him run around like a chicken with his head cut off, trying to make things happen for me. Since we arrived in the middle of the night, doors were locked and everything seemed harder to find! Dad finally arrived back to the car with the wheelchair, I hopped in and we loaded ourselves up with our hospital bags. I demanded we wait outside a minute so I could move through one more contraction before we would briskly make our way through the hospital to the delivery area. I did exactly that with one more contraction, loud cursing into the night and then we went for it! It was like a video game. We had less than four minutes to get from point A, the main entrance of the hospital to point B, the front desk without contracting and making a scene in front of everyone. It felt like we had bumped into every possible object along the way, Zack’s backpack strap ripped off the bag and we even pressed the wrong floor to the elevator. We were standing still for a minute before realizing we had to press level 3 to go up to the next floor! Looking back, it was comical.
Finally, finally, FINALLY we arrived at the front desk for the mother of all mother contractions to hit. Honestly, there was no holding back at this point. The animal in me came out to play. Three midwives/nurses came out immediately to take me to a room. I bypassed triage. That was my biggest fear, would I be laying in a bed running tests and playing Simon Says? I did not feel capable of being told what to do at this stage.
I was wheeled right into my own birthing room. “Thank you” I immediately expressed with great relief and then I went straight to the bathroom. I changed into my dress and hospital socks. I didn’t want to get off the toilet because of the crazy pressure and discomfort I was feeling.
When I felt willing to leave the bathroom, I was asked to lie down on the bed so they could monitor the baby for 20 minutes. I struggled to do so. The moment I would attempt to lay down, I would then hop right off the bed to cope with another contraction. At this point I used every bit of your father to help me get through them. At one point, I had asked him to go get my yoga mat thinking I would want it for different labor positions. The midwife reassured me, Daddy was going nowhere. Good, because I wanted him near. I finally was able to lay down long enough for Alexis to check me. I was 8 cm. I was in disbelief since I was a mere 3 cm when I arrived at the hospital after days of contractions with Charlotte. Yet another contraction hit and I hopped off the bed grabbing Dad’s waist and tugging down on him. They felt back to back at this point. There were only a few contractions before I landed back on the bed and Alexis confirmed I was ready to push.
I had to turn from one side to another because your blood pressure was dropping all the way down to 50. Later we would come to find out that you had the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck two different times. The feeling as I flipped in order to relieve you was anything but what i wanted to be doing. I was so relieved that Alexis did not express any urgency beyond me taking immediate action. Thank god, you were so close to us.
It was honestly a blur in these last few moments. Daddy and I have stories that don’t quite match up. I do know that I moved through a contraction maybe two, my body heated up and my breath switched course so I could move you down and out in little tiny pulses. After a single contraction, Alexis looked me in the eye and told me I could have this baby in this very contraction if I wanted. That is all I needed to hear. Literally, I conjured up everything within me, closed my eyes, and did the work.
You arrived. It was all over. Dad and I were almost baffled, confused really. How did it all happen so fast, in a fury, I would say. We had one hour of taking every inch of you in on my chest, skin-to-skin. We giggled about this crazy experience, the relief of your health and that little did the whole family know, you were here. 12:48 am you arrived. It was all of 25 minutes or so from arriving to the hospital to you being born. How did I become that person? I always have wondered how that even happens to other Mama’s.
Your labor was timely, it was intense and it was beautiful. And now...now you are here, you are healthy, and you are perfect. This family was blessed with the greatest gift on October 5th, 2019 at 12:48 am. All 6 lbs 15 oz of you, just like your sister, and just like your mother weighing in all one in the same.